You’re in good company, when poop talk happens
Poop talk happens in almost all social groups, you’re in familiar company when it comes up. You know which dinner table it will always happen at; most likely one where you’ll find hearty laughter for dessert. Jokes, PDFs, and information included.
We all know the struggle of trying to maintain our composure and dignity in social groups. I found this article while google searching digestion and what causes gas and bloating.
Pssst: I’m a google search junkie, oh yes I am and I’ll admit it.
Anyhew, you most likely found me through a search, so we’re in good company.
The article titled: “Toots, Poops and Other Oops” Via Fitness Magazine by Peg Rosen caught my attention; I immediately read it in its entirety. Her piece was very informative regarding digestion and disorders and opens with the following narrative:
Gut Check
I may be 5-foot-3 and weigh 115 pounds soaking wet, but I can fell a football team with just one of my farts on a particularly bad night.
You cringed reading that, I know. But let’s face it: With everything we put into our digestive system, and all the physical and emotional stress we subject it to, our gut is bound to bring on some not-so-special effects from time to time. We’re talking badass gas and constipation. Frat-boyish as all this talk may seem, women are actually more prone than men to digestive tract troubles. One person in four suffers from some kind of digestive disorder, and 70 to 80 percent of people diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome are women, according to the American Gastroenterological Association. “A woman’s colon is longer and has more twists and turns than a man’s,” says Robynne Chutkan, MD,
via Fix Gas, Diarrhea, Constipation and Stomach Pain | Fitness Magazine.
I suggest you check them out to answer those burning questions like:
- Sometimes my farts really stink — like something died inside me.
The articles gives suggestions on how to neutralize pre “burning of the nose hairs.” We all know our main trouble makers of the Brassica family, stay away from them if you have close space plans in the near future. Nobody wants to be in a situation where you’re in public and your lower intestine is staging a mini uprising; you know THAT feeling.
Or;
- Is there something about yoga that makes me fart?
Of course we’ve all been in this position before, some of us avoid yoga class because of it. If you’ve blasted your way through class and wonder how to keep their cheeks quiet, this article is for you. A few pre-class rock-a-bye baby stretches and you can pretoot your way to crane safely.
Ladies, we are all to familiar with this:
- My gassiness gets worse around my period.
Ha, okay here’s where being just 100 days shy of full on menopausal rocks; my hubby concurs. (I feel as if I’m bragging a bit here) I no longer need to apologize before he enters a room. However, you ladies know how bad it can be, so check out Peg Rosen’s article on Poops for ways to clear the PMS air.
While poop is funny as shit; poop issues can be serious business if the red flags, listed below, are your issues, Fitness Magazine suggests you see your MD right away.
“Red Flags via Fitness Magazines:Toots, Poops and Other Oops
These symptoms could signal a serious condition. See your doc or a gastroenterologist ASAP.
Persistent bloating. If it’s accompanied by unusual weight loss or gain, pain or fever, it can be a sign of inflammation, infection, ovarian or other cancers, or pelvic inflammatory disease.
Abnormal constipation. Paired with pain, cramping, abdominal swelling or fever, constipation that’s unusual for you could indicate that a blockage is preventing your bowel from emptying.
Severe diarrhea. Runs that come with vomiting, fever and cramps could be the result of food poisoning or a parasite. Chronic diarrhea could be an indication of irritable bowel syndrome or more serious inflammatory bowel diseases like Crohn’s or ulcerative colitis.”
The articles ends with a know your shit section on color, scent, cleanup, and clarity. Again google provides to those who search with this infographic.
And I shit you not, you can get a copy of the Bristol Stool Chart free, by click the link now, no email needed.
Oh the oh no wait there’s more section..
This is a pretty inclusive list of poop types that kept our son howling with laughter as a young teen. Which in translation means you’ve been warned, the following can be both gross and offensive. Yet, I feel if you’ve made it this far you’re pretty well invested and/or we really know each other well at this point. I’m tossing in one more safety stop image, venture beyond the image at your own risk..
Kinds of Poo
THE GHOST POO
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there’s no poo in the bowl.
THE CLEAN POO
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but there’s no poo on the toilet paper.
THE WET POO
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you dont ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE POO
This poo happens when you’ve finished, your pants are up to your knees,and you suddenly realize you have to poo some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POO
Also known as “Pop a Vein in your Forehead Poo”. You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN POO
No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG POO
The kind of poo that’s so enormous you’re afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER POO
The kind of poo you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It’s most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE “GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POO” POO
The kind where you want to poo, but even after straining your guts out all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS POO
Also known as the “Power Dump”. That’s the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID POO
That’s the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD POO
A class all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER
This poo is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER
This poo occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE RITUAL
This poo occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS POO
A poo so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK POO
This poo has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE “HONEYMOON’S OVER” POO
This is any poo created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER
A poo so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatability, this poo has been known to resurface after many flushings.
THE RANGER
A poo which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM POO
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO POO
Now you see it, now you don’t. This poo is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL
A poo that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to poo (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near pooing facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny poo which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position – usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC POO
This poo occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker’s Poo.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE POO
This poo may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POO
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN’T poo.
PREMEDITATED POO
Laxative induced. Doesn’t count.
POOZOPHERENIA
Fear of pooing – can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL POO
Also known as a “Still Going” poo.
THE NUCLEAR POO
It’s a Kind A Poo That Happens when you eat the ghost chili. Combo of The Bombshell and the second wave. this poo will ruin your bathroom and clears the house. WARNING: it will hurt your ASS & Rip ya a new One!
THE POWER DUMP POO
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you’re done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER POO
This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poo.)
THE SPINAL TAP POO
The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you’d swear it’s got to be coming out sideways.
THE “I THINK I’M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE” POO
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Poos. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE POO
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two chooces: (a) flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE “I’M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER” POO
When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE “I THINK I’M TURNING INTO A BUNNY” POO
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE “WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?” POO
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don’t warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air.
THE “I JUST KNOW THERE’S A TURN STILL DANGLING THERE” POO
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it’s going to smear all over the place.
THE “YOU’VE GOT POO ON YOUR SHOES, YOU POO SHOE BASTARD” POO
No explanation required.
